"Bran New Teeth."

How about this new theme music: Is that Dog singing it himself?

[Comic IRISHMAN voice:] "Is it himself, so it is?"

I suspect they couldn't afford Ozzy any more or maybe Ozzy amazingly decided that he didn't want any further association with Dog and Beth –– that they were lowering the level of his artistic profile. I smell the intervening hand of Sharon in it. Ozzy had slummed it among the lower classes too long and Sharon issued a diktat that he was no longer to associate with such reality TV types.

On this week's episode we saw an obese male bailbondsman of around sixty–odd who, he was always sat down while all the action went on around him. Sitting in a flat cap ominously cradling a pair of crutches.

(I got in a fight in Greenpoint, Brooklyn once over a pair of crutches.
I made a fast joke at the expense of the wrong man.
A neighbourhood lunatic.
Actually his wife.
I said, "What you going to do, come at me with your wife's set of crutches?"
Then he did just that.)

The big man observes life gnomically through his cellphone viewfinder. He sits on his broad duff, clutches his crutches and photographs the wide world with his phone, like a hoarder of dull images. Like a non-participant in the hard world.

His two dumb unter–flunkies lined up to be tazered by Dog and Beth so that they could learn how it felt to be tazered. They queued up to be shot with a machine-gun so they could know how it felt to die.

In fact the male of the species, with the harelip, the cauliflower ear and the broken button nose, actually asked to be tazered.
He was.
He stood there, lumpen, shovel-faced, unhindered by the volts of electricity roaring through him. That big tough ugly son-of-a-bitch of a mountain of a man with a cleft lip and a heart of gold. He withstood the voltage. He endured.

Speaking of harelips, Dog the Bounty Hunter's had his teeth capped and now he looks rather like a hare himself. You find you want to feed him carrots, pumpkin seeds, an iceberg lettuce and some dandelions. You wonder where he's hidden his nuts for the winter season.

Anyway, the obese guy naturally took a picture of this tazer scene with his cellphone and he simpered, "I'm proud. It's like watching your kids go to the prom."

He then amended this:

"Not together obviously."

"That would be incest."

"Incest is illegal in most States."

"Not only that it is disgusting."

"Although interestingly the dim distant origins of the taboo have nothing to do with social morality or indeed genetics, it's all to do with bridal dowries in ancient primitive cultures."

(A lot of this wide-ranging rumination was not featured in the show.)

Then Dog woke up from one of his reveries (or, "patented vertical snoozefests") and elected to essay a florid remark of his own. As the tazered twosome, shrovetide pancake face and cloven my palate and his goodwife, prepared to go out on a "jump", Dog waxed sagacious. He said "It's like teaching your kid to drive, and then finally she gets in the wheel."

He actually said that blooper thing, "Gets in the wheel."

I turned to my wife and said, "That is, she literally crawls inside a wheel."

I furthermore said, "Does nobody care that the English language is rapidly becoming forfeit through teevee like this? That rambling piffle is now king of the Earth? That the finer works of the beautiful old men are crucified daily on TV for the amusement of the mean, vicious rabble?"

My wife swatted that away and just said, "Dog's had a deep tan."

Uh –– yeah. He looks like a bright red beaver in a lime green wig.

I said, "Yeah well he's had something done to his teeth too."

The obese guy sat there meanwhile, hugging his crutches contentedly to his flabby chest and being enigmatic and jaded like a bigshot, seen-it-all man-of-the-world. He didn't apparently take umbrage that Dog had essentially stolen his allegorical figure, about kids going to a prom. He was broad-minded like that.

They had a lead on one Dalten [sic] Casto [sic], a guy who looked a lot like Leland's wayward son Dakota. In fact I sat there with a pen and paper with my tongue peeping out of the corner of my mouth trying to work out if his name was in fact an anagram of Dakota's and it was Dakota in disguise.  It wasn't. The bail people said, "This one I think will be a fun one for Leland. The guy works at a paintball place."

As if to say, while tossing Leland a yoyo, "Leland has the mind of an unremarkable eight-year-old. He'll love this one."

("This one I think will be a fun one for Leland. The guy works at a teddy bear factory.")
("Leland will like this one. We're going to play with Legos.")
("Leland is never happier than when schmeared up to his eyeballs in fluorescent goo.")