"God loves everybody, including these guys." - Duane Chapman
"Lord thank-you for this day, bless us as we go full blast." - Duane Chapman
On Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dog pursued this perpetrator in Colorado who Dog eloquently and insightfully said looked like "Wild Bill Hickock!" Then, squinting at his mugshot, Dog covered up the lower part of the perp's face and chuckled "Manson eyes!"
("Suddenly discovering in the eyes of the Colorado small-time ex-con
The eyes of the very learned criminal mastermind." )
The bounty hunters like to mess around with the image of their quarries and make personal jokes about their faces, who they look like &c. On a Halloween episode there was some biker tattoo artist asshole who they said looked like a pumpkin. They cut out the photo of his head and made it a pumpkin shape.
This particular perp today had posed for the police mugshot with his head held back, staring down his nose, so the bounty hunters couldn't tell if he had hair or if he was bald. I coughed awkwardly, painfully recognising this tactic from my own life.
Anyway they caught the Hicock-Manson guy at a trailer park. Like most felons, he was arrested without his shirt on. The guy was rambunctious and scrambling and sliding all over the place. Jumped out of a window and dumped his stash of crank. Dog caught him, wrestled him to the ground and unnecessarily made fun of his bald head.
Dog has got some nerve making fun of anyone's hair loss - he's quite patently thinning on top himself. He scrapes what hair he has all over his head in an intricate four-dimensional pattern that cannot be described by conventional contemporary mathematics or mechanics. Dog's hairstyle is in fact like an M.C. Escher drawing.
The perp was embarrassed to have been arrested in front of his neighbours. He spontaneously went from scrabbling about half-naked in the dirt to being all Victorian and genteel. He groaned, "All the neighbours think this is some crazy beef. My God---"
Dog was not exactly sensitive; he chuckled, "Nooooo, it's all right, it's a trailer court, it's not the Taj Mahal."
The perpetrator duly got his cigarette and his opportunity to cool off and tell his sad story-- and here I became confused. The perp told how he had managed to get his life back in order after a phase of chronic heroin addiction and petty criminal bungling, and that his life since had been just "dynamite!" He went on, "I met a nice dame. Kids call me Dad. Everything's okay. I mean when I'm not loaded I'm a not unpleasant motherfucker. Then Nine-Eleven hits and I get kicked out of a job..."
Here I stopped listening and frowned. How exactly, I was wondering to myself, did the events of September 11th impact the job of this man living in a Colorado trailer park? The nefarious influence of the Reverend Bin Laden is notoriously evident in much mischief abroad, I concede, but can it really be discerned in this ex-con losing his job somewhere in Colorado?
The black fingernail of disgusting evil is long indeed and rather like a hydra!
